The Paperboy
The Paperboy
Continuity Better Off Dead / Paperboy
Age Unknown - appears 12
Species Human (?)
Hair Color Brown
Eye Color Brown
District ALL OVER
Journal plus_tip
Player Eve
Theme Song "The Chase" - Sleepy Hollow

"Four weeks. That's twenty papers…two dollars, plus tip."


Meet Johnny, sometimes nicknamed 'Johnny Windowbane', more infamously known by his occupation than birth name. He's been delivering the newspaper to the citizens of Pillow for years. Years that should have brought him to the age of adulthood, but instead, have left him a jaded little punk that vandalizes people's houses if they don't subscribe. So in short, he's the same as he was from day one. But even subscribers have a reason to fear…The Paperboy. When collection day comes due…twenty papers in four weeks…he fully expects his dues. Two dollars. If they don't pay on time, he will hunt them down to the very ends of the universe on his tripped-out bike, which he outfitted himself in order to reach citizens even in the furthest regions of reality. And no matter what the cost, he will always, ALWAYS, get his two dollars.

In fact, he's currently in The Beyond in hot pursuit of Hekket, seeking his owed two dollars from the Deva.


When it comes to sources of information, The Paperboy is your guy. If it's featured in the news reports, then he knows about it. He's not illiterate, even if he is a rotten little punk. He keeps up to date about what's going on in the world(s), especially if it makes the front page headline. Not that this is very useful to him, really, except when locating subscribers. Heaven knows how he finds some of them, the little stalker…

The Paperboy has an unnaturally frightening sort of aura about him. It's dark, and foreboding. You can almost hear the b-movie horror music haunting the background as he stares piercingly up at his subscribers, and draws a switchblade…comb. Brrrrr… What a menacing kid. He's only 12 years old, but he's got some serious moxie. Nothing scares him. You'd think this would be the reverse, given how easily he goes down from assorted obstacles on his paper route, but no. He's just that friggin' confident.

He doesn't take 'no' for an answer. You can run. You can hide. You can push him off a cliff. But he'll ALWAYS come back. And if he isn't paid the first time, you can expect him to be downright angry about it. He's short-tempered, and won't stand for excuses. People that try to quibble about the price of their subscription will get such a look that will make them feel like the Grim Reaper is hovering just behind their shoulder. Don't have a dime? He didn't ask for a dime. Two dollars. Cash. Despite how quickly he can be angered, he's just as easily pacified once he gets his dues. Pay him what is owed, and he'll be off on his "merry" way.

Nothing will deter him from his course once the collections are due. It doesn't matter how many times he's beaten, or the dangers involved. The same could be said for his paper route. He'll get the paper there at any cost. Perhaps this is why he's so demanding for his fee. Those who give him a good tip can expect better service, and fewer broken windows. But those who don't will just have their residences vandalized.

The only thing that The Paperboy truly cares about is his bicycle. It's vital to his job, and he won't let anything happen to it. Every penny he makes is devoted to bicycle upgrades. This is what enables him to travel anywhere he wishes to go, even in places where it shouldn't be physically possible for him to appear. Either the newspaper company is just that zealous in their quest to deliver information, or The Paperboy is just that committed to his job. No one knows for sure.

As a delinquent and middle-school dropout, The Paperboy is a pretty nasty piece of work. He sees nothing wrong in vandalism, or damaging public property. If the owner is a paying subscriber, then they'll avoid the majority of this destructive behavior (with the occasional exception of windows). But he's a diligent punk, and an expert at scrawling graffiti, attacking random breakdancers, and generally making himself a public nuisance. It's a wonder he isn't in juvenile hall, but sometimes, the laws of certain worlds can be pretty bizarre.

The Paperboy never forgets a wrong committed against him. His memory is disturbingly good, and he's completely vindictive. Even subscribers should be wary of incurring his wrath, unless they want every window in their house shattered with the daily news. This twelve-year-old demands respect. Mock him, hit him, breakdance, and you're in for a world of petty revenge.

It's only expected that someone like Johnny wouldn't have any real friends. He's a loner. A rebel. And a total bastard. He doesn't get along with anyone, really. He can respect those who pay their dues on time, and tip well, but he's not going to warm up to anyone anytime soon. Why would he? He just doesn't care.

Which brings us to his next character trait: his apathy. Other than his bike and his pay, The Paperboy doesn't care about anything. He doesn't care about the eternal struggle between good and evil. He doesn't care about friends being turned against each other. He doesn't care about kicked puppies, or cities being set aflame. Sure they make good articles in the paper, and he /does/ read those articles. But don't expect him to give a crap. He's aware of how it affects him, and may alter his route accordingly. But in general, it just takes too much effort to put any emotional value in anything.


Switchblade Comb, Pimpin' Bike, Always Gets His Two Dollars, Killed By Sprinklers, Killed By Breakdancers, Killed By Almost Anything That Moves, Killed By Anything That Doesn't Move, Delivers Anywhere…FOR A PRICE, One Bad Little Punk

Combat Abilities

The Paperboy fights. He's not particularly skilled, but in general, he's not too bad. His accuracy is so-so…he's quite good at nailing garage windows (earning him the nickname 'Windowbane') and thwapping breakdancers with a rolled up newspaper. He's had years of experience. On his bike, he's a speedy little demon, too.

But his greatest weakness is his endurance. It's pitiful. He takes damage from freaking SPRINKLERS. (It's because he doesn't know how to swim.) He's very easily vanquished.

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